Drifting Away

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Marriage Jokes

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed.""In bed this early, doing what?""Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man awoke, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The message on the paper read, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Marriage (Part VI) Divorce Letter

Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case, I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away toWestVirginia together.
Have a great life!------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watchmy soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work. Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl",but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister'Carla',was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem for you.

spoke at : 8/28/2007 12:16:00 AM

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